GUILT

I'm not going to lie. Women's Conference evoked a little guilt. Ok. A lot of guilt. I had a particularly crappy week leading up to the event and everything that I did wrong came out in blaring force during the conference. Lovely. However, I have gotten over the guilt and changed my attitude. It's a new week and a fresh start. Now I can look back and my week and laugh. So I'm sharing the love and documenting it for my posterity.

Ready? Here goes....

Early in the week I spent the morning running errands. I didn't plan on being gone very long but morning quickly turned into afternoon. My kids were tired and starving and we were about 20 minutes from home. Hope started complaining that she wanted food and then Caymbree threw in the clincher - " POTTY". Ok. I give. We will stop and grab something. We've got low budget fast food on one side and a nice sandwich shop on the next. I was selfish. I went for the salad and sandwich shop. That was the first mistake. After running in and going potty we came out to find a "humongous" (as Caymbree would say) line . Hmm... do we leave and go somewhere else or wait it out? We'll wait. Second mistake. As we walked towards the line a single older woman entered from the opposite side both of us heading towards the end of the line. She makes eye contact with me and then rushes to step in front of me to make sure she is first. Ok lady. Whatever.

Now the kids are tired and bored and testing my patience. "THE" lady made sure I knew of her annoyance with her frequent glares. I did my best to ignore her. When it was finally our turn we grabbed our tray and started sliding it down the line (Think cafeteria style with a bar in front for you to set your tray on). Caymbree is freaking out because she can't see the food behind the counter. So I made a mother blunder. It was dumb and I probably wouldn't do it again but I was seriously done. I lifted her up and let her stand on the counter for a second so she could see the food. Instantly "the" woman attacked. "That's kind of disgusting isn't it?" Me: In shock, "What? I asked puzzled. "Putting her feet where our food goes?" Me: TICKED - "Good thing there is a tray AND a plate in between! (In my best ticked off tone.)

I spent the rest of the line imagining all the things I should and wished I would have said.

And that's where it all started.

I think I spent most of the next day still ticked off about it and recalling two recent stories by two different friends where some wonderful woman decides to give her "valuable" input. It kept me fuming all day.

I'm not quite sure why but the next few days I was on edge. I was quick to snap and patience was not one of my best qualities. The food issue with my children was building. I felt myself starting to get angry before we even sat down for dinner just anticipating the battle that was awaiting. One dinner was prefaced with a intense threat from mom, "The first one to say anything negative about this meal will be excused from the table and will spend the rest of the evening in their room." Nice hu? I know. I told you it was ugly.

On Thursday Troy arrived home from work to tell me that he had just run over my beautiful temple picture that I had just sanded and stained and left out to dry in the garage. Frustration and anger were quickly replaced with relief when the picture was left intact and undamaged and only a tire tread to paint over. I was still annoyed. Then we sit down to eat. I'll admit it wasn't the best dinner but I was trying to use up things in the pantry and a boxed chicken and dumpling dinner fit the bill. Hallee instantly starts pulling faces. I give her the death glare. She puts it in her mouth, gags and then loses her lunch all over the table. I look at Troy. I give him the death glare and he bursts out laughing. (Then he quickly cleaned it up - bless his soul). He thinks it is hilarious and recalls the meals that made him gag as a child. I fail to see the humor.

Luckily for my family the next day was Women's Conference and I was off with my mom and sister for two days of enlightenment and a kid-free zone. I'm sure they were just as grateful as I was.

It didn't take long into the conference before the guilt started to hit and I realized what a creep I had been that week. The first class was on "Sacrifice and Selflessness in Marriage" and while we didn't really get a lot of practical application just the title itself was enough to remind me what a lame wife I had been that week.

Some of my favorite quotes from the class:

* "Marriage was intended to mean the complete merger of man and woman --- their hearts, hopes, lives, love, family, future, everything.

*"Small acts of service in a marriage can produce a lifetime of happiness."

The next class was titled "A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance." Oh boy. Failed miserably on that one too. Some favorite quotes form that class:

*"Make a list of three pople that you enjoy to be around. Consider why. Would you be on their list?"

*"A mother's reaction to a situation usually sets the tone for the entire family."

*"We can alter our lives by altering our attitude."

Hmmmm. Looks like I owe Hallee an apology.

And the last class was was titled "Pray Always". We can find relief and comfort in prayer. Perhaps I needed a little more of that to combat my week. My favorite quotes:

* "It is quite spectacular that the one who created this earth and the millions of species and inhabitants thereof allows us to call him Father and communicate with him any time we wish."

* Four ways we should be praying; With our spouse, as a family, individually, and actively participating in group prayers (in church and other settings). Interesting points were brought up in the group prayer. "Do I exercise my faith in behalf of others by genuinely participating in these prayers? Or do I let me mind wander and simply make sure I say "amen" upon the conclusion?"

By this point I am starting to feel pretty crappy and have pinned a badge to my chest saying "Worst mother and wife of the Year award". I'm realizing that I have a LOT of work to do. And then we went to the closing session led by Dallin H. Oaks and his wife. I'm pretty sure Elder Oaks was talking right to me as he spoke of the worldwide epidemic of individualism and selfishness. It was apparent that I had been stricken with the epidemic when all my thoughts were about ME. Some of his wisdom:

"Do not be so pre-occupied with yourself!!! Loose your feelings of inadequacies by thinking about others. Not yourself!"

"Discouragement becomes a major diversion in our service to others. It focuses on a preoccupation of self."

So the way I saw it was that I had two choices. I could spend the next week feeling bad and guilty about the previous weeks behavior or I could apologize, move forward and focus on serving my husband and children. I'm happy to report I'm working on the latter.

It was a wonderful opportunity and I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. Thanks mom and Adree. Next year? Same time, same place.