Hug your little ones

Recently a friend from the dance world's 9 year old son Dylan was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I have never met him in person but yet I find myself thinking about him daily. My world has been shaken and I don't even know him. Perhaps it is because I just saw his mom a few months ago; happy, full of life and very pregnant with her sixth child. Everything was so normal, so fun, so perfect. Perhaps it is because am not only friends with his mom but with his two aunts as well. And I know it is killing them. ALL of them. Or perhaps it is because my very own nine year old sleeps in the room right next to me. So normal, so happy, so full of life and so healthy. And I can't help but think that it could all change in an instant. For the first few days after I found out the news the tears came readily. I couldn't even look at my own children without wondering what I would do if the news was about one of them. It was heart wrenching! I felt like such a failure as a mother. Have I taught them everything they need to know? Do they feel loved and appreciated? Do I take advantage of the "little moments" with my children. Let's just say I wasn't settled with my answers. This is the part of the story where you would expect me to tell you about my huge transformation as a mother. It's what I expected. And that's what's so frustrating about it all. One moment I just want to hold them and hug them and the next minute I am ready to strangle them. Each morning I make a commitment to speak kinder, softer, more patiently and by late afternoon I am back to yelling and barking orders. Then the guilt and the tears all come rushing back. It is a vicious cycle I tell ya! Ironically the place where I find my strength once again is from Dylan's family blog http://dylandshaw.blogspot.com/ . They are amazing. Their faith in God renews my own. Their grace and dignity in coping with this horrific trial is inspiring. So I pick myself up and try again. And I am so grateful I have another day to try. And I'll try again the next day, and the next and the next as long as the Lord allows me. But for now, I'm gonna hold my little ones a little longer each night and tell them how much I love them every moment I can.